Rantings of the Herald

The flight…

This is an area that has been covered ad nauseum by comedians and pundits alike.  So let’s just touch on the high points shall we?

Just a note about reclining.  I actually sleep better if the seat is at its upright and fully uncomfortable position.  I have actually had a flight attendant try to explain to me why they need to be upright for takeoff and landing:

Flight attendant: “Sir, please move your chair back to the upright position.”

Me (in a foul mood): “Yeah, fine, fine, fine…”

Flight attendant: “Sir (amazing how the honorific can become a sneer), do you know why we ask that you do this?”

Me: “My personal opinion is that you do not want to have to go through the entire plane putting them up yourselves after we leave.”

Flight attendant: “No sir (just call me sir one more time…), it’s because takeoff and landing are the most dangerous parts of any flight.  If something happens we can’t have you in your rear neighbor’s lap…”

Me: “In his lap?!!!  It reclines three inches!!! I’ve seen electric chairs that recline more!!!”

You get the idea…

The television show “Mythbusters” actually did a test with cell phones to see if they actually interfere with flying.  Their results:  interference was experienced from cell phones on small private planes due to the fact that the electronics are not shielded as well as commercial airliners.  And commercial airliners?  Not a thing - however they concluded that since cell phone services are constantly switching frequencies then it is better to be safe than sorry.

I can live with that - but there seems to be a group of people out there who can’t….

But I won’t give these self-important pricks any more time than I already have.

I did have a problem with the “personal electronic devices” rule.  Essentially you cannot use anything with an on/off switch during takeoff or landing.  Once the aircraft is above 10,000 feet then you can use just about everything except cell phones, leaf blowers, chainsaws…. 

My issue - the Sony reader is one of the best inventions for frequent travelers that has come along in a long time.  200+ books in the space of a DVD case.  The display is new technology - in order to ensure a usable battery life, they developed an “electric paper”display that draws literally no power when a page is displaying.  The verdict of all those in the know: less interference potential than a digital watch.  But - no go during takeoff and landing.

Which is all academic since I left the reader on a United flight about a month ago.

Anyone with experience in this area knows…leave it on the aircraft - it’s gone…

I fume - I had originally purchased the reader with gift certificates given to me on my birthday by my co-workers.  Ironically it was purchased from the “Skymall” catalog (which also also been covered by comedians thorougly).

Add it to the list.  Books (lots of them), pens (of course), a $250 pair of noise canceling headphones (Sennheiser - Bose are for pussies and elitists), and various other sundry items to numerous to go into here…

If the person who sat in your seat on the flight before you leaves a sealed bag of peanuts in the chair pocket - is it unsanitary to eat them? - the intellect says no while the ape mind says yes….

A note to the guys next to me: This entire seat is mine (with the exception of the always disputed armrest) and the airspace ABOVE my seat is all mine too so moveyourfuckingelbowbeforeIgnawitoffanduseitformy”Sky”magazinebookmarkyoufuckyou!

To the woman who packed her sofa in her carry on and can’t even lift it overhead much less fit it in the compartment: diediediedie!

Road rage has nothing on air rage…except for the immediacy of the killing impulse…

 To the guy behind me: the entertainment touchscreen built into the back of my headrest works on skin conductance - not pressure - so if you jab the back of my head that hard once more I will eat your liver with my second hand peanuts…

I will borrow (another) line from Dennis Miller: “They sure aren’t turning over that flight attendant staff like they used to, are they?”

I love the wide ones.

I don’t want to bash overweight people here.  I have been one myself many times in my life…

But you don’t see me applying for a job where I have to continuously walk up and down a narrow metal tube either…

I have friction burns on my shoulder because I like aisle seats…those hips and polyester uniforms can generate enough heat to keep a New England town warm for the winter.

Then there are the old ones.

I also do not want to bash old people here.  I am (arguably) one now and am not getting any younger.

But it is the older flight attendants that just don’t seem to get the fact that Pan Am went bankrupt decades ago.  Throw anything their way that they do not encounter on an hourly basis and they get the look of stormtroopers that have been hit with the jedi mind trick.

And they don’t recover - at least not in one flight’s time.

Forgive me if I go on a rant here but the toughest flight attendant type to take are the lecturers…I touched on this earlier in this post and in one other.  The attendants that feel that their job is to whip us into shape so that we will not task the patience of any other flight crews we may encounter.

To them - Your job (as you tell us ad nauseum) is not to ensure our safety…your job is the same as a Disney employee: Take your typical stupid traveller and herd them like cattle to the places they need to be to move them from point A to point B.

That’s it - Otherwise you are just a waitress in a shitty restaurant.

Pilots - Invariably the ones that you need to hear from most due to delays, detours and what have you are more closemouthed than Rod Blagojevich’s campaign financiers.

The flights where you want to sleep - the ones that begin at 6:00 am or before with no weather or delays to speak of - that when the aircraft is piloted by chatty Kathy….and for the verbose pilots, the PA system sucks so all you here is an unintelligible mumble…

I got one of the old flight attendants recently.  I sometimes have a couple of drinks on the flights.  This is most easily accomplished by ordering both of them at once and enjoying them at your leisure.

Two vodkas and a Sprite —- or two bourbons and a Coke.

This will usually get you a cup of ice, two little bottles of spirits and a can of the soft drink.  But I have a Pan An era flight attendant.  This means that they are unsure of our capability to handle that many items at once so they have to mix the drinks for you.

It’s a short run - pretty much just enough time for drink service and trash collection - so they take the orders on the ground before takeoff.

“Two vodkas and a Sprite” I order - producing two drink coupons.

“Two” she scolded “I don’t know if we’ll have time for that…, just give me one coupon for now…”

I hand her both, attempting to remain in good humor I reply, “You can return one if you run out of time…” 

I have already learned that trying to tell a flight attendant that they have misunderstood you is like trying to talk a state trooper out of giving you a speeding ticket so I don’t bother. 

The crux of the problem appears to be a combination of too long a time spent dealing with traveling idiots and a predeliction to put all travelers in that category.

She hands them back to me with the rebuke: “sir, just separate the tickets please…”

All of a sudden I am 13 years old again and I have done something that the grown-up in charge disapproves of….

I sheepishly hand one coupon to the wicked witch of the Southwest and resign myself to having my travel lubrication truncated for this segment of my travel oddessy…

“Oh - did you want both of the drinks at once?…” she inquires.

“Um yes - please”  She accepts the second coupon.

Now I am set - I have a good book - I have a reasonably considerate seat mate - I will have two nice mixed drinks with enough Sprite left over for a cup chaser close to landing.

I take a trip to the (closet) restroom.

When I come back to my seat I have a cup with two shots of vodka on ice - that’s all…except a napkin to soak up the tears…

OK - I have about three posts half-written about travel in general however the events of this last week pretty much put things into perspective…

Even though my clients pay for my weekly airfare I have to keep costs down.  This means a lot of hours (combined) that I have spent hunting down airfares.  It gets faster as you get better at it but it still is a time-devourer.

A couple of ground rules here:

Frequent flyer miles - It pays to plan these. For those of you that have lives, I will highlight the details here. Frequent flyer miles have two main advantages - one, they get you free flights and two, enough of them gets you special treatment everytime you fly with that particular airline. The idea though is to concentrate on two main airlines to maximize the effect of your miles. 50,000 miles spread between three airlines will get you magazine subscriptions. The same 50,000 miles at one airline will get you two round-trip flights, a gold medallion status which entitles you to free luggage on flights, free space-available upgrades to first-class (this is huge), discounted membership at the airlines executive lounges, an increase in the rate at which you earn miles, reduced fees for using miles, a faster line at the airport (also huge), and a small amount of ass-kissing.

The benefits of concentrating your miles in one or two baskets are obvious. You need two main airlines though - for one thing one airline may not go to every destination, also, there’s the pricing thing. Sometimes, you just can’t afford your regular airline. Through the vagaries of yield management, your first choice airline will price itself out of the running so badly that you won’t even be able to defend it to clients with deep pockets.

Destinations/Size of chairs/Drink price/Upgrade policies - These are the secondary considerations. They are not inconsequential however. Some or the considerations for this category that I have learned over my years of travel:

Flight attendants and airline staff in general - Southwest is the best, US Airways the worst, everyone else somewhere in between.

Airtran has the narrowest seats on 737 and larger aircraft (disregarding the regional airlines Embraers and CRJs). Continental appears to have the widest (this is a little subjective - I haven’t flown Continental in about a year).

Drink prices - Southwest has always been the least expensive and still is, Most of the other airlines used to charge $5 per beer/spirit/wine but everyone except Southwest recently raised drink prices to a minimum of $7

Upgrade policy - Delta/Northwest probably has the best upgrade policy in the industry. Southwest has no first class but will recognize you by allowing you to get on the aircraft first…mmm…

So in honor of the two above considerations I select Delta for my trip to verdant, lush and tropical Fort Smith, Arkansas.

I usually like to arrive at the hotel Sunday night. This is a trade-off. I detest having to leave my family earlier than necessary however I hate having to work a full day after flying. I prefer to show up Sunday night, check in, unpack (by which time the general manager has been awoken from a sound sleep by the front desk clerk - “the auditors are here”), relax, get a good night’s sleep and wake up fresh and ready to work Monday.

However, these days it has been proving more cost-effective airfare-wise to fly in Monday morning.

I have a draft of another post that discusses my propensity to fall asleep during ascent and descent of aircraft. Let’s just summarize here by saying that my body reacts to these altitudinal transitions like the body of a two-year old in the baby seat in the family’s mini-van during the summer family road trip.

I become the silver snooze-master.

Monday April 13th, 10:45 am - I slowly wake up to bumping…turbulence…a fairly common phenomena in my life…back to sleep…the more I sleep the shorter the flight is…

Monday April 13th, 10:50 am - Hmmmm…it’s 10:50 am…that’s strange…I took off at 8:30 from Orlando Florida bound for a connection in Atlanta Georgia… a one-hour flight give or take…I seem to remember an announcement about bad weather in Atlanta and circling…that sucks - but not as much if I stay asleep…as I drift off I vaguely note that at least three people near me are vomiting into plastic bags and flight attendants are busy disposing of the bags…interesting - I wonder how long before the airlines start charging for the bags?…

Monday, April 14th, 11:00 am - descending…ok wake up - we know our connecting flight is long gone…time to deal with the world…

A casual remark to the guy in the seat next to me - “Well it looks like I missed my connection…”

His reply - “You don’t know the half of it, you were asleep…”

…? thought I.

“What half did I miss?” I politely enquired.

“We are descending into Huntsville, Alabama.” he replied, “The rain won’t stop in Atlanta.”

So I thought: Alabama, Huntsville, the largest city in northern Alabama. Renamed Huntsville from Twickenham after the war of 1812.

Well,…..actually it was more like:  Fuck I never wanted to go to Alabama…..

The story emerges. A storm over Atlanta has made landing impossible there.

From Wikipedia: ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hartsfield-Jackson_Atlanta_International_Airport ) “Hartsfield-Jackson held its ranking as the world’s busiest airport in 2008, both in terms of passengers and number of flights, by accommodating 90.0 million passengers and 978,824 flights. Many of these flights are domestic flights from within the United States where Atlanta serves as a major transfer point for flights to and from smaller cities throughout the Southern United States.”

So the fact that Delta and Airtran route 90% of their flights that even come near that part of the country through this particular piece of real estate means it has to stay open….

Or the world grinds to a halt and communism/terrorism/socialism/scientology wins…

So here is the deal - this totally fuck-busy airport closes and the nearest place to land is Huntsville Alabama. A huge facility arming up to handle the extra traffic - right? No - quite a small airport - so all you Atlanta refugees sit there on the tarmac while we refuel you and not let you into the airport….But don’t worry - here are free earphones we are showing “Marley and Me”…

Just kill me now…

Let’s pause here for about 2 hours.

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Ok - takingoffgetthefuckinyourseatyouthinkwehaveallday!!!!!!

Atlanta’s Hartsfield Jackson Airport - Lines at the Delta customer service desks are huge - in every terminal. Get in one - use one of the most useful Blackberry travel applications to find alternate flights - a well deserved plug - WorldMateLive. Nothing direct to Fort Smith - I missed the only direct one. Have to go through Memphis. I call Delta customer service on my cell phone while waiting in line. I get lucky and get an answer. After initial resitance, the agent re-books me and I hand the phone to a hasidic couple with a small child who haven’t had the telephone luck I have.

Now four hours to kill in Atlanta….

Just kill me now….

Chinese food - three and a half hours to go…

Flight delayed 20 minutes while we are standing at the gate…

Just kill me now….

Get on the flight to Memphis - sleep and arrive.

I realize that my business partner waited too long to book the flight I did and had to take a later flight on Monday night. I had laughed at the time but I am no longer laughing as I realize the last leg of my flight is the same as hers. She left Orlando Monday evening, I left early Monday morning - we will get to Fort Smith at the same time - who’s laughing now?

Get to Fort Smith at a little after 9:00 pm. Fort Smith by the way is a tiny airport but their restrooms were last year named the nation’s best public bathrooms by Cintas, a company which sells bathroom supplies. A view:

Note the high-backed chairs in the background are also what equip the departure lounges.

Now the flight back:

I get the word from Delta the day before my flight that I have been upgraded to first class for the Atlanta - Orlando leg. This happens sometimes and gives you a generally warm and fuzzy feeling about the trip.

But the first leg is the CRJ. If I haven’t mentioned this before it stands for Canadair Regional Jet. It is used for the smaller routes and has two narrow seats on one side of the aisle, two narrow seats on the other.

The flight seems to go smoothly. Until the landing. I fell asleep during takeoff and landing. I must have also slept alot of the flight time as well….

When I fly in the mornings I drink lots of water. We are now descending slowly and I have to go…

I mean I really have to go….

Now flight attendants hate this - so I wait…

Landing - every bounce is an invitation let loose…..

Regional flight - of course we have to taxi the last 50 miles ….

We stop to let other planes pass - ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod….preteens are supposed to get in this situation…not adults…

Another stop to let another aircraft by - can’t take it anymore - seat belt off, moving towards the restroom….

“SIR!!!!!!!” “SIR!!!!!!” as I shut the door to the bathroom.

Arrive at jetport as I stand over blue-water sighing like a teen getting his first oral sex….

As I move up the aircraft aisle with my carry-on, I know it is coming - the lecture that they all feel we need to be better people….

“Sir you can’t just jump out of the seat like that you have to ring the call button….”

“Sorry beautiful, what I needed to accomplish - you couldn’t help me with….” and I dashed for the airport.

Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta Airport….

Just kill me now….

It’s simply the cost of convenience…

Flying often sucks.

There, I’ve said it - shattering at last the boyhood fascination with airports and the thought of flying anywhere (and the world would be my bivalve mollusk…) .  Shattering my young adult period urge to show up very early for any flights I might be taking - just to have an excuse to be at the airport.

See - I wanted to be a pilot when I was a kid - scratch that - I wanted to be a fucking  ASTRONAUT when I was a kid.

Didn’t everbody?

When I informed my mother of this (I must have been about seven) she told me: “Astronauts always die of cancer….”

Fuck

Now don’t get me wrong - I do not blame my mother for injecting a vague medical threat into the picture.  If I had wanted to become an astronaut I would have done it.

But the fascination with the universe beyond our planet and the sky in general remained…

And so the fascination with airports.  They are gateways to different worlds.  You walk into the building - and you walk out of a building thousands of miles away.

You don’t even have to wear shoes…

While you gaze at some of the most fascinating scenery that mother nature has to offer. 

The TOP of the clouds - which don’t behave like the bottoms do.  They are permutable in your imagination to any of thousands of different possibilities/movie scenes/tableaus/movie stars/endless animals (here is when it comes to you that no matter what shape you see, there is at least one animal that looks a little like it).

Sunsets - from the top of the clouds are always good.  I’ve seen better at ground level however I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a bad one from an airplane window (assuming it wasn’t storming).

Shuttle launches - I’ve seen two from the air so far and it does rock in a big way.  But, thats not a universal air traveler experience.  It’s  just a cool Florida thing…

City lights from above - This has to be the winner of the popular vote.  I have watched my fellow passengers on plenty of nightime flights and the lights always hold them longer than the clouds.  The clouds are nice, but there is something tiring about continually revving your imagination like a chainsaw….

But the lights….

That’s a long ass post in itself…I have made a study of the lights.  And I am in the majority.  Not many things inspire blind fascination like the rumination-provoking sight of lit cities passing you by at night.  And the approaches - that’s the payoff of the flight (other than traveling to places and stuff).

But those are the good things.  Some of them are truly beautiful at times.

Because you and I and every other reader is at least a little familiar with what I am going to talk about next.  If I could fill a book describing some of the beautiful scenes I have seen from aircraft, then I could fill a library with my opinions on the other side of the coin….

It’s the cost of the convenience…