Rantings of the Herald

The flight…

This is an area that has been covered ad nauseum by comedians and pundits alike.  So let’s just touch on the high points shall we?

Just a note about reclining.  I actually sleep better if the seat is at its upright and fully uncomfortable position.  I have actually had a flight attendant try to explain to me why they need to be upright for takeoff and landing:

Flight attendant: “Sir, please move your chair back to the upright position.”

Me (in a foul mood): “Yeah, fine, fine, fine…”

Flight attendant: “Sir (amazing how the honorific can become a sneer), do you know why we ask that you do this?”

Me: “My personal opinion is that you do not want to have to go through the entire plane putting them up yourselves after we leave.”

Flight attendant: “No sir (just call me sir one more time…), it’s because takeoff and landing are the most dangerous parts of any flight.  If something happens we can’t have you in your rear neighbor’s lap…”

Me: “In his lap?!!!  It reclines three inches!!! I’ve seen electric chairs that recline more!!!”

You get the idea…

The television show “Mythbusters” actually did a test with cell phones to see if they actually interfere with flying.  Their results:  interference was experienced from cell phones on small private planes due to the fact that the electronics are not shielded as well as commercial airliners.  And commercial airliners?  Not a thing - however they concluded that since cell phone services are constantly switching frequencies then it is better to be safe than sorry.

I can live with that - but there seems to be a group of people out there who can’t….

But I won’t give these self-important pricks any more time than I already have.

I did have a problem with the “personal electronic devices” rule.  Essentially you cannot use anything with an on/off switch during takeoff or landing.  Once the aircraft is above 10,000 feet then you can use just about everything except cell phones, leaf blowers, chainsaws…. 

My issue - the Sony reader is one of the best inventions for frequent travelers that has come along in a long time.  200+ books in the space of a DVD case.  The display is new technology - in order to ensure a usable battery life, they developed an “electric paper”display that draws literally no power when a page is displaying.  The verdict of all those in the know: less interference potential than a digital watch.  But - no go during takeoff and landing.

Which is all academic since I left the reader on a United flight about a month ago.

Anyone with experience in this area knows…leave it on the aircraft - it’s gone…

I fume - I had originally purchased the reader with gift certificates given to me on my birthday by my co-workers.  Ironically it was purchased from the “Skymall” catalog (which also also been covered by comedians thorougly).

Add it to the list.  Books (lots of them), pens (of course), a $250 pair of noise canceling headphones (Sennheiser - Bose are for pussies and elitists), and various other sundry items to numerous to go into here…

If the person who sat in your seat on the flight before you leaves a sealed bag of peanuts in the chair pocket - is it unsanitary to eat them? - the intellect says no while the ape mind says yes….

A note to the guys next to me: This entire seat is mine (with the exception of the always disputed armrest) and the airspace ABOVE my seat is all mine too so moveyourfuckingelbowbeforeIgnawitoffanduseitformy”Sky”magazinebookmarkyoufuckyou!

To the woman who packed her sofa in her carry on and can’t even lift it overhead much less fit it in the compartment: diediediedie!

Road rage has nothing on air rage…except for the immediacy of the killing impulse…

 To the guy behind me: the entertainment touchscreen built into the back of my headrest works on skin conductance - not pressure - so if you jab the back of my head that hard once more I will eat your liver with my second hand peanuts…

I will borrow (another) line from Dennis Miller: “They sure aren’t turning over that flight attendant staff like they used to, are they?”

I love the wide ones.

I don’t want to bash overweight people here.  I have been one myself many times in my life…

But you don’t see me applying for a job where I have to continuously walk up and down a narrow metal tube either…

I have friction burns on my shoulder because I like aisle seats…those hips and polyester uniforms can generate enough heat to keep a New England town warm for the winter.

Then there are the old ones.

I also do not want to bash old people here.  I am (arguably) one now and am not getting any younger.

But it is the older flight attendants that just don’t seem to get the fact that Pan Am went bankrupt decades ago.  Throw anything their way that they do not encounter on an hourly basis and they get the look of stormtroopers that have been hit with the jedi mind trick.

And they don’t recover - at least not in one flight’s time.

Forgive me if I go on a rant here but the toughest flight attendant type to take are the lecturers…I touched on this earlier in this post and in one other.  The attendants that feel that their job is to whip us into shape so that we will not task the patience of any other flight crews we may encounter.

To them - Your job (as you tell us ad nauseum) is not to ensure our safety…your job is the same as a Disney employee: Take your typical stupid traveller and herd them like cattle to the places they need to be to move them from point A to point B.

That’s it - Otherwise you are just a waitress in a shitty restaurant.

Pilots - Invariably the ones that you need to hear from most due to delays, detours and what have you are more closemouthed than Rod Blagojevich’s campaign financiers.

The flights where you want to sleep - the ones that begin at 6:00 am or before with no weather or delays to speak of - that when the aircraft is piloted by chatty Kathy….and for the verbose pilots, the PA system sucks so all you here is an unintelligible mumble…

I got one of the old flight attendants recently.  I sometimes have a couple of drinks on the flights.  This is most easily accomplished by ordering both of them at once and enjoying them at your leisure.

Two vodkas and a Sprite —- or two bourbons and a Coke.

This will usually get you a cup of ice, two little bottles of spirits and a can of the soft drink.  But I have a Pan An era flight attendant.  This means that they are unsure of our capability to handle that many items at once so they have to mix the drinks for you.

It’s a short run - pretty much just enough time for drink service and trash collection - so they take the orders on the ground before takeoff.

“Two vodkas and a Sprite” I order - producing two drink coupons.

“Two” she scolded “I don’t know if we’ll have time for that…, just give me one coupon for now…”

I hand her both, attempting to remain in good humor I reply, “You can return one if you run out of time…” 

I have already learned that trying to tell a flight attendant that they have misunderstood you is like trying to talk a state trooper out of giving you a speeding ticket so I don’t bother. 

The crux of the problem appears to be a combination of too long a time spent dealing with traveling idiots and a predeliction to put all travelers in that category.

She hands them back to me with the rebuke: “sir, just separate the tickets please…”

All of a sudden I am 13 years old again and I have done something that the grown-up in charge disapproves of….

I sheepishly hand one coupon to the wicked witch of the Southwest and resign myself to having my travel lubrication truncated for this segment of my travel oddessy…

“Oh - did you want both of the drinks at once?…” she inquires.

“Um yes - please”  She accepts the second coupon.

Now I am set - I have a good book - I have a reasonably considerate seat mate - I will have two nice mixed drinks with enough Sprite left over for a cup chaser close to landing.

I take a trip to the (closet) restroom.

When I come back to my seat I have a cup with two shots of vodka on ice - that’s all…except a napkin to soak up the tears…