Rantings of the Herald

I have done almost every human activity inside a taxi which does not require main drainage.   - Alan Brien (English Novelist)

OK - We are going to continue our travel adventure.  Just like I promised.  Now, now, don’t get impatient andputyourgoddamnshoeson…

I travel for a living.  I mean really travel.  I usually leave every Sunday night and return either Thursday or Friday night.  I have been traveling like this off and on for years now but I have done it almost every week for the last two and a half years.

In 2008 I traveled 50 out of 52 weeks.

I’m not looking for sympathy (or admiration).  I have always found the world of business travel to be very strange and unique.  Some business travelers see the whole shuttling around the country (world) thing as a status symbol.  These are usually the guys who can’t bear to stop texting (or talking) when the flight attendant asks them to power down the electronics (becauseImtalkingaboutimportantshitandyouhavenoideaandmyphoneisspecial

andneedstobeon24hoursadaydontyouseehowbigmypenisis?).

Don’y let those guys annoy you - the worst kind of realization hell is awaiting them.

Then there are the rest of us.  It becomes a chore, moving through life in airports.  I am not looking for sympathy here - I know there are plenty of people out there who would kill for any job.  However, lets call a spade a spade.  After the initial novelty/false pride/fascination with airports wears off, travelling becomes a chore.

I travel around the United States to different hotels.  I have travelled internationally for other jobs but the present client is U.S. only.  I go to some nice towns and I go to some armpit towns.

Whether my wife gives me a ride to the airport or not, the best place to continue our discussion of travel is taxis.

Let’s consider the iconic taxicab.  Most of us, forced to conjure up a generic image of a “taxicab” would color it almost invariably yellow, the only exception would be if the person you asked grew up in one of the (formerly rare) towns that colored their cars otherwise.  The characterisatics of said cab?  Yellow (yeah I know…), black seats - the rear seat almost always a combined bench seat, floors that are legendary in their pathogenic diversity, seatbelts that defy any but the most concerted search and … music. 

Music.

They always have fucking music - don’t they?

I have listened to the loudest Reggae ever in a bus in the Bahamas, blasting down disturbingly narrow streets at a high rate of speed thinking, “I’m actually going to die to a Bob Marley soundtrack…”   They play it quietly compared to any Jamaican mode of transport.

Country in the midwest to include Texas…(it is allowed to replace this on weekends with AM gospel sermons/hymns)…

West coast keeps it light…but the window is always open - no matter the weather…

Desert southwest - I would tell you what type of music - but I can’t remember because every time I take a cab in the desert southwest, being from Florida, I get drawn into a genus by genus, dick-measuring comparison of poisonous critters and natural disasters (the Florida trump card)….

Northeast (and especially NYC - except in the cabs with televisions - which is nearly all of them now) is a mish-mash.  You can hear whatever music you imagine.  The northeast (let’s include Canada) is one of the more homogeneous parts of our country.

Southeast…well…sometimes right wing talk…usually gospel in creole…

There may be a partition - sometimes not…

Always a license - I feel bad about that one - sorry to the cosmetologists and the taxi drivers - you guys are forced to continually display the equivalent of a driver’s license photo for all to see.  How would the rest of us feel about that?  But , since they are already there - lets talk about how fucking funny these pictures can be….

Nah - you guys already know.

Like you know the meter watch…$2.50 (fuck it starts at $2.50!!!!) plus a second amount showing $3.00 but that one doesn’t change.  That’s the driver’s ace-in-the-hole when the “ok your total is” game starts… But - the meter - we’re cool because we never let the driver know we’re looking at the number however it (even if you have plenty of money) burns into your brain…so let’s get it out in the open…

The driver knows you are looking.

He will also answer at least one cell phone call during your trip - this is mandatory.  However, since before cell phones became common they were known for communicating by radio all the time anyway so they are the only ones who get a pass…

OK - airport taxis.  Does everyone know about the short and long trip rules?

It has to do with airport dispatchers.  To avoid the chaos of duelling drivers, and to cash in on (and track) the cabs operating from the airport, all large airports have some sort of taxi dispatch system.  They range from the informal “get in line here is your cab” system to the “you need a voucher from the window after stating your destination and any next-of-kin” process.

In Orlando, the airport taxi system requires you to wait at a stand and give the dispatcher your destination.  This is classified either as a “long run” or a “short run.”  The long run means that your driver cannot return to the airport and get in the taxi waiting line until 30 minutes have passed.  For short runs they can return and get in line as soon as possible.

As luck would have it, my home is just over the imaginary map border and is classified as a long run despite the fact that it is a ten-minute ride at best.

I first became aware of this system the first time I hopped into a taxi to head home one night and was greeted by a stream of profanity from the driver (Orlando has the rudest taxi drivers in the country by the way).  Apparently my destination was a long run and he would have to kill time before returning to pick up another fare at the airport.

After being dropped off (and telling the driver that his attitude sucked) I was struck with the irony of it: the driver’s problem is now mine.

I mean think about it - if I take this ride regularly I will have to face drivers who at best will be silently fuming that they did not get a more profitable ride that either goes farther for a higher fare or shorter so they can return and get another fare right away.

The solution - lie to the dispatcher.

Tell them you are going to an airport hotel.  This usually invites the well-intentioned “you know they have a free shuttle?”

“yeah - Look I’m tired/in a hurry/fleeing the local authorities/constipated - and just want to leave now.”

To tell the same lie over and over.  Does the moral transgression become diluted the more times you tell the same lie?

I hope so - or I’m in for some karmic road-rash.

So - what have we learned?

In a profession that requires frequent travel. Speed becomes the primary goal.

Instead of travelling around the globe to sample the diverse music of other cultures,  switch out your cab companies regularly.  You’ll be able to sample the entire spectrum.

Tell people in all aspects of your life that you just want the “short run” even if you want the long one…

If you don’t know the city you have arrived in, have at least $100 cash for cab fare.

Never ride with the guys that float around baggage claim soliciting fares - you’ll pay much more than you have to.

If you are in a bus in the Bahamas…leave your fear at the door, embrace the strangeness,  and groove to the beat (it helps if you fill your canteen with Pina Coladas)…