Rantings of the Herald

OK - I have about three posts half-written about travel in general however the events of this last week pretty much put things into perspective…

Even though my clients pay for my weekly airfare I have to keep costs down.  This means a lot of hours (combined) that I have spent hunting down airfares.  It gets faster as you get better at it but it still is a time-devourer.

A couple of ground rules here:

Frequent flyer miles - It pays to plan these. For those of you that have lives, I will highlight the details here. Frequent flyer miles have two main advantages - one, they get you free flights and two, enough of them gets you special treatment everytime you fly with that particular airline. The idea though is to concentrate on two main airlines to maximize the effect of your miles. 50,000 miles spread between three airlines will get you magazine subscriptions. The same 50,000 miles at one airline will get you two round-trip flights, a gold medallion status which entitles you to free luggage on flights, free space-available upgrades to first-class (this is huge), discounted membership at the airlines executive lounges, an increase in the rate at which you earn miles, reduced fees for using miles, a faster line at the airport (also huge), and a small amount of ass-kissing.

The benefits of concentrating your miles in one or two baskets are obvious. You need two main airlines though - for one thing one airline may not go to every destination, also, there’s the pricing thing. Sometimes, you just can’t afford your regular airline. Through the vagaries of yield management, your first choice airline will price itself out of the running so badly that you won’t even be able to defend it to clients with deep pockets.

Destinations/Size of chairs/Drink price/Upgrade policies - These are the secondary considerations. They are not inconsequential however. Some or the considerations for this category that I have learned over my years of travel:

Flight attendants and airline staff in general - Southwest is the best, US Airways the worst, everyone else somewhere in between.

Airtran has the narrowest seats on 737 and larger aircraft (disregarding the regional airlines Embraers and CRJs). Continental appears to have the widest (this is a little subjective - I haven’t flown Continental in about a year).

Drink prices - Southwest has always been the least expensive and still is, Most of the other airlines used to charge $5 per beer/spirit/wine but everyone except Southwest recently raised drink prices to a minimum of $7

Upgrade policy - Delta/Northwest probably has the best upgrade policy in the industry. Southwest has no first class but will recognize you by allowing you to get on the aircraft first…mmm…

So in honor of the two above considerations I select Delta for my trip to verdant, lush and tropical Fort Smith, Arkansas.

I usually like to arrive at the hotel Sunday night. This is a trade-off. I detest having to leave my family earlier than necessary however I hate having to work a full day after flying. I prefer to show up Sunday night, check in, unpack (by which time the general manager has been awoken from a sound sleep by the front desk clerk - “the auditors are here”), relax, get a good night’s sleep and wake up fresh and ready to work Monday.

However, these days it has been proving more cost-effective airfare-wise to fly in Monday morning.

I have a draft of another post that discusses my propensity to fall asleep during ascent and descent of aircraft. Let’s just summarize here by saying that my body reacts to these altitudinal transitions like the body of a two-year old in the baby seat in the family’s mini-van during the summer family road trip.

I become the silver snooze-master.

Monday April 13th, 10:45 am - I slowly wake up to bumping…turbulence…a fairly common phenomena in my life…back to sleep…the more I sleep the shorter the flight is…

Monday April 13th, 10:50 am - Hmmmm…it’s 10:50 am…that’s strange…I took off at 8:30 from Orlando Florida bound for a connection in Atlanta Georgia… a one-hour flight give or take…I seem to remember an announcement about bad weather in Atlanta and circling…that sucks - but not as much if I stay asleep…as I drift off I vaguely note that at least three people near me are vomiting into plastic bags and flight attendants are busy disposing of the bags…interesting - I wonder how long before the airlines start charging for the bags?…

Monday, April 14th, 11:00 am - descending…ok wake up - we know our connecting flight is long gone…time to deal with the world…

A casual remark to the guy in the seat next to me - “Well it looks like I missed my connection…”

His reply - “You don’t know the half of it, you were asleep…”

…? thought I.

“What half did I miss?” I politely enquired.

“We are descending into Huntsville, Alabama.” he replied, “The rain won’t stop in Atlanta.”

So I thought: Alabama, Huntsville, the largest city in northern Alabama. Renamed Huntsville from Twickenham after the war of 1812.

Well,…..actually it was more like:  Fuck I never wanted to go to Alabama…..

The story emerges. A storm over Atlanta has made landing impossible there.

From Wikipedia: ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hartsfield-Jackson_Atlanta_International_Airport ) “Hartsfield-Jackson held its ranking as the world’s busiest airport in 2008, both in terms of passengers and number of flights, by accommodating 90.0 million passengers and 978,824 flights. Many of these flights are domestic flights from within the United States where Atlanta serves as a major transfer point for flights to and from smaller cities throughout the Southern United States.”

So the fact that Delta and Airtran route 90% of their flights that even come near that part of the country through this particular piece of real estate means it has to stay open….

Or the world grinds to a halt and communism/terrorism/socialism/scientology wins…

So here is the deal - this totally fuck-busy airport closes and the nearest place to land is Huntsville Alabama. A huge facility arming up to handle the extra traffic - right? No - quite a small airport - so all you Atlanta refugees sit there on the tarmac while we refuel you and not let you into the airport….But don’t worry - here are free earphones we are showing “Marley and Me”…

Just kill me now…

Let’s pause here for about 2 hours.

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Ok - takingoffgetthefuckinyourseatyouthinkwehaveallday!!!!!!

Atlanta’s Hartsfield Jackson Airport - Lines at the Delta customer service desks are huge - in every terminal. Get in one - use one of the most useful Blackberry travel applications to find alternate flights - a well deserved plug - WorldMateLive. Nothing direct to Fort Smith - I missed the only direct one. Have to go through Memphis. I call Delta customer service on my cell phone while waiting in line. I get lucky and get an answer. After initial resitance, the agent re-books me and I hand the phone to a hasidic couple with a small child who haven’t had the telephone luck I have.

Now four hours to kill in Atlanta….

Just kill me now….

Chinese food - three and a half hours to go…

Flight delayed 20 minutes while we are standing at the gate…

Just kill me now….

Get on the flight to Memphis - sleep and arrive.

I realize that my business partner waited too long to book the flight I did and had to take a later flight on Monday night. I had laughed at the time but I am no longer laughing as I realize the last leg of my flight is the same as hers. She left Orlando Monday evening, I left early Monday morning - we will get to Fort Smith at the same time - who’s laughing now?

Get to Fort Smith at a little after 9:00 pm. Fort Smith by the way is a tiny airport but their restrooms were last year named the nation’s best public bathrooms by Cintas, a company which sells bathroom supplies. A view:

Note the high-backed chairs in the background are also what equip the departure lounges.

Now the flight back:

I get the word from Delta the day before my flight that I have been upgraded to first class for the Atlanta - Orlando leg. This happens sometimes and gives you a generally warm and fuzzy feeling about the trip.

But the first leg is the CRJ. If I haven’t mentioned this before it stands for Canadair Regional Jet. It is used for the smaller routes and has two narrow seats on one side of the aisle, two narrow seats on the other.

The flight seems to go smoothly. Until the landing. I fell asleep during takeoff and landing. I must have also slept alot of the flight time as well….

When I fly in the mornings I drink lots of water. We are now descending slowly and I have to go…

I mean I really have to go….

Now flight attendants hate this - so I wait…

Landing - every bounce is an invitation let loose…..

Regional flight - of course we have to taxi the last 50 miles ….

We stop to let other planes pass - ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod….preteens are supposed to get in this situation…not adults…

Another stop to let another aircraft by - can’t take it anymore - seat belt off, moving towards the restroom….

“SIR!!!!!!!” “SIR!!!!!!” as I shut the door to the bathroom.

Arrive at jetport as I stand over blue-water sighing like a teen getting his first oral sex….

As I move up the aircraft aisle with my carry-on, I know it is coming - the lecture that they all feel we need to be better people….

“Sir you can’t just jump out of the seat like that you have to ring the call button….”

“Sorry beautiful, what I needed to accomplish - you couldn’t help me with….” and I dashed for the airport.

Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta Airport….

Just kill me now….

Windows Vista has become my new nemesis….

Anyone who has this excuse for an operating system knows whereof I speak.

It was probably about two years ago that I was in my local Circuit City (insert bankruptcy and/or mismanagement joke here) perusing the computer section. Vista was still fairly new at the time - untried - full of promise.

I had previously utilized a laptop with Windows XP. This was before I started traveling with the fervor of a Mongolian nomad following the herds across the steppe. So the laptop pretty much stayed put. No reason to replace the Windows 98 upgraded to Windows ME desktop that had become obsolete and was passed on to my son.

Laptops (as many of you know) have a solution to the obsolescence problem that plagues most computers.

They cook themselves.

They usually last long enough so that it isn’t something to rant about. My longest surviving laptop saw its fifth birthday before immolating itself. My shortest lived lasted over three years. The price of compacted computing is heat and dead motherboards.

And so it was with my laptop. A couple hundred dollars at CompUSA (insert another bankruptcy/Tiger Direct joke here) and I have the files from my hard drive that are irreplaceable. Now time to buy a replacement.

My current clients have provided me with one of their laptops to travel with so I decide to buy a nice desktop. This being a couple of years ago - economic boom and all - I had a decent budget to utilize.

As I scanned the glistening panorama of modern solutions to all my computing needs I was content. I have always enjoyed purchasing computers - engaging in the modern pastime of packing the maximum amount of features/computing power into one box that was within my budget.

My hopes were high as I perused the latest models…

Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard formally started HP in 1939 with an investment of $538. As seems the norm for computer/technology companies, it started in a garage…in Palo Alto California.

Hewlett and Packard tossed a coin to decide whether the company they founded would be called Hewlett-Packard or Packard-Hewlett. Packard won the coin toss but named their electronics manufacturing enterprise the “Hewlett-Packard Company”.

HP incorporated on August 18, 1947, and went public on November 6, 1957. Ref - (http://www.hp.com/hpinfo/abouthp/histnfacts/garage/)

HP is now the largest technology company in the world. It operates in almost every country.

It’s 2008 sales easily outstripped Hitachi, Sony, IBM, and Dell. The sales were about double what Microsoft posted, and almost four times Apple’s 2008 sales.

These guys obviously know what they’re doing - right?

And the prices are reasonable.

The first thing that catches my eye is the HP TouchSmart IQ500t series. CPU is built into the monitor, touchscreen technology at its latest and greatest (this is pre-iPhone). I look at it and ooh and ahh but it is still a pretty new model. Never buy a car in it’s first year of production right?

So, what is one step down? The HP Pavilion Elite m9500t series. Nice features, Windows Media Center (Apple light anyone?), lightscribe DVD burner, PC television receiver with remote, DVR capability etc.. at this time a paltry $1,200 (it has since come down to about $800).

Let’s not foget the Intel “ViiV” technology (whatever that is…)

Get it home, set it up and let the uber cyber frolicking begin. First thing I do with any new PC is load all of the handy software that I have grown accustomed to using to give me the myriad solutions for modern living that make me feel at one with the cyber universe…

Windows XP was initially reviled for the fact that none of the previous software/drivers were compatible with the new system. After a period of “settling in” this became a non-issue and is one of the reasons I felt that the transition to Vista would be relatively easy….

My favorite CD/DVD burning software is “Nero Burning ROM.”

I know, I know - I let enthusiasm get the better of me and should have checked it’s possible Vista incompatibility before installing it…but I didn’t.

The issues began immediately after that. I un-installed Nero. It appears that won’t work. I have to rip the software out by it’s roots.

Oh no - the Intel “ViiV” software is sending distress signals like a Bernie Madoff investor…

The fix HP recommends is a service pack that re-installs the software.

After downloading and trying to install it tells me that I don’t have a license for it.

I have since spent at least 3 hours every month fixing one glitch or another. Half the extra functionality that looked so good in the store doesn’t work - or works half-assed.

Microsoft took more than a year to come out with a service pack to fix only the most basic issues (and the plethora of security issues that comes with every version of Windows - free of charge).

Windows Vista Professional version comes with a license to “roll back” the system to XP in answer to the outcry by businesses duped into buying it.

I know this post is not particularly entertaining - but now its off my chest.

So in conclusion - no more HP’s in my future. I am finally going to break down and buy a Mac.

Now I will get to enjoy paying twice as much for all my software - and I will have to put up with the crunchy uber-hip Apple store gremlins.

The price of staying connected in an ever complicated world…